Ask for Forgiveness, Not Permission
by WorkingTitle30
Summary: Having denied himself for so long, the 10th Doctor finally breaks. All of the anger, resentment, and grief he felt when he watched Rose kiss her clone Doctor is unleashed. Everyone has a weakness, and she was always his. What happens when he decides to go where he mustn't to see the girl who is no longer his? 10/Rose One-shot.


He was alone. Again.

Donna had been stolen from him. His hardened heart shut down, refusing to accept the pain and refusing to dwell or process. He walked back into the TARDIS and let the door slap shut behind him. The Doctor didn't input a destination. He let the TARDIS ride the wave of his emotions and carry him far, far away.

He exited on to a trail in a wood at twilight. He followed his feet to the door of a cabin, a quiet warm breeze blowing in behind him as he entered.

The Doctor moved silently in the darkness, through the small sitting room where the embers of a dying fire smoldered weakly, to a bedroom where a girl with hair like sunlight lay sleeping peacefully.

He removed his clothing, not stopping to think, just looking at her. The girl he loved. The girl he'd lost.

When he slid into bed beside her she shifted and her eyes blinked open sleepily.

"Wasn' expectin' you back tonight" she murmured into his chest, breathing in the scent of him, familiar and yet somehow colder and darker than he'd been this morning when he'd kissed her goodbye before leaving to help a nearby farmer whose crop had mysteriously frozen in the summer air.

He didn't say anything. Didn't correct her assumption that he was the man she'd lived and laid with for over a year now. The Doctor looked at her face and knew it would be the last time. The last of the 'last times' he got to see Rose Tyler.

The thought made him angry and it made him desperate. He put his hand under her chin and tilted her face up so that he could kiss her. It was their first real kiss, even if she didn't know it, and so he made himself control his demons and enjoy the moment in its purest form.

It was a gentle kiss, a promise. It said "I will always love you…in my own twisted Time Lord way".

After a moment though, his composure broke and he deepened the kiss, taking her by surprise. He knew why he had come here tonight, and it was to take something that didn't belong to him.

He rolled over on top of her. Pressing his hips hard against her own but balancing his weight on his forearms so that of their upper bodies, only their lips met. She wore an old t-shirt and light cotton underwear.

As she broke out of her sleep-soaked daze she could tell something was wrong. He had never kissed her like this, with sadness and barely contained rage. She didn't understand what had happened to him but she also didn't resist. She felt her own sadness well up inside her and she didn't know why.

He pushed her t-shirt up and over her breasts and hissed quietly through his teeth when they came in to view. He lowered his mouth to her right nipple and applied surprising pressure before taking it lightly between his teeth. Rose gasped and bucked her hips against him. His hand came up to knead her left breast applying similar pressure as he alternated between sucking on her neck, her nipples, and the soft, warm lobe of her ear.

Rose was becoming increasingly hot and her breathing was becoming ragged. His ministrations left her no time to think and she felt blissfully out of control. She could feel the hard length of him pressed against the cotton of her underwear but he seemed distracted by lavishing attention on her upper body.

This was everything he had never let himself want since he had dropped her off with his clone and sealed off the part of his heart that had always believed that Rose Tyler would be his forever. Her perfect breasts warm and responsive against his hands. Her soft pink mouth parted as she moaned for him. Rose was finally pliant beneath him and after so many years of careful restraint, his lust broke forth like an all-mighty dam.

"Take it off," he told her, rolling himself on to his side so he could watch as she silently pulled the t-shirt over her head. Her hands moved to her underwear but he reached out to stop her. "Not yet."

At first alone together and unsure, eventually Rose and her clone Doctor had found a place for sex in their relationship, and it had grown wild and at the same time familiar as they explored and learned together.

But he has never used this tone in bed with her before, a tone that dared her to challenge him. His eyes, the eyes she loved, that so often pooled with warmth when he looked at her were almost black with desire and mangled grief. She wanted to ask him what was wrong, what had happened to him, but she didn't dare. She had given him all of herself, to take as he needed it, and tonight it appeared what he needed was her body.

She liked it too. She didn't know why exactly, but she knew if he touched her now he'd find her wet and wanting. He didn't touch her though. Not for a long moment.

He looked at her and then he kissed her hard and pulled back to whisper her name against her lips. As they kissed, his hand made its way down her stomach to caress her inner thighs. He rubbed his thumbs roughly just inches from where she needed them to be and was rewarded with the moan he wanted.

"Please" she said, because somehow she knew he had been waiting for it, and because she wanted this more than made sense.

He pulled down her panties then and nothing remained between them. He brought his hand exactly where she wanted it and found wetness that made his eyes roll back in his head. He rubbed her with a firm pressure that shot straight to her clit and made her clutch his forearms and dig in her nails. She was close. The pressure from his hand was sure and steady and she could feel herself building towards a climax. Just as she came to the edge he thrust into her to the hilt.

She screamed then at the feeling of being filled and the combined pressure on her clit, which pushed her into a powerful orgasm. He stayed completely still as she contracted around him and whispered "yesyesyesyesyes" against his skin. He watched her as she came apart and it was then that he knew true bliss. Watching Rose come was like looking directly into so many suns. The brilliance burned into his mind an image that would light his darkest hours.

He was on fire, every inch of him, and in that moment he hated most powerfully that another man could experience this every day of his life. Another man got to hold her and watch her and feel her and make love to her. He'd always thought that was a stupid human name for reproduction but gods if that wasn't what it was.

He was telling her he loved her with every inch of his body. Love and hurt and anger and fear pulsated right beneath his skin, so dangerously that he worried he might burst.

But he didn't. Not yet. When Rose had silenced and stilled he began to move within her. He started slow, relishing in the feel, and her little gasps, but then he began to lose himself. His pace got quicker as he looked down at her face, daring her to know him for what he was. He wasn't her Doctor anymore, but he took what he didn't deserve. Didn't deserve because he was the one who had left her.

He pounded against her harder and faster until it was almost a blur, but in a moment of surprising clarity, he realized this was not how he wanted it to end.

"Will you…get on top?" he asked, for the first time his confidence faltering to show a man who hadn't shared this kind of experience with anyone in a very long time.

Moments ago she had just been along for the ride, and what a glorious ride it was, but now Rose nodded her head just slightly and moved to answer his request.

The night was dark but the gentle rays of the moon illuminated her body as she moved slowly on top of him. Not content to lie ideally back for long, he sat forward so that the hard planes of his chest met her softness. The new angle set him deeper inside her and they both moaned at the heightened sensation. Together they rocked, and it was then that she knew him for what he was. For who he was. But she didn't stop.

He saw the flicker of recognition in her eyes and it filled him with equal amounts of fear and pride. She would know, as they crossed into the oblivion together, all of the things he had so long worked to hide.

It was the ultimate betrayal and the ultimate benediction. At that moment he lost himself and spilled inside her. Her name on his lips was filled with reverence.

"Rose. Rose. Rose. ROSE."

And as he groaned the final syllables she succumbed as well.

When it was over, he climbed out of the bed without looking at her. He put back on his suit.

She stayed in the bed, naked under the sheets.

"Did it make it better?" she asked.

"No" he said, "It made it worse."

The words stung her, but perhaps she deserved them. To know the pain she caused him. She was living the life they should have had together with someone else. Worse than sleeping with his brother or his best friend. She knew there was no way to share his loss. He got space and time. She got to love a version of him that could stay to love her back.

"But" he said, breaking her train of thought, "it was worth it."

"What will you do now?" she asked.

"Pick up the pieces" he said and with a last kiss that lasted only a moment, he left.


End file.
